Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
