you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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