I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
