About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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