We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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