Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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