Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
