my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
