Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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