You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
