your parents love me but you hate me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
