im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
