Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
