My sheets look like a crime scene.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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