I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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