she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
