I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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