Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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