i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
