i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
