When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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