that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
