I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
