I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
