I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So vagazzling was a success
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
