I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
