I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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