What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am available for nakedness
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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