allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
