Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
