I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
