the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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