When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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