I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
