Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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