Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
