Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
