well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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