your parents love me but you hate me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
