I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
