apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
