Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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