Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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