Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
