the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
