I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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