So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
