hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
