Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
