You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
