I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
