So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
